Spinning

I feel like I’m spinning in a world of crazy.  It is most exhausting to fight against yourself! But, at the same time, I really, really want to get more energy to fight myself. Or, just be able to function a bit better. Actually, I don’t want to fight myself! What a concept! Going to finish this later….just thinking.

 

Fears….

Okay, before I just into the deep stuff, I got myself a little prize today! So, apparently, IPods do not last forever! I got my IPod when it first came out (it is seriously almost 10 years old, I believe it was the original IPod). The screen started going out a little while ago (but, I would flick it and it would be okay), then the sound, then the battery, then the buttons….so, decided it was time for a new friend. And, my goodness how much IPods have changed! Haha, guess thats what happens over 10 years! I got a new IPod Nano and it plays fun games (haha, I just had a really hard to see Solitare game), music, takes video, has color (mine had block black and white letters….) and much more. I am most impressed, Apple.

Now, real things. To recap, my therapist wanted me to make a list of my fears in the recovery process. It has been oddly hard for me to do this. I wonder if it is because I am having to acknowledge them or if I am wondering that I can overcome them. When I think about my fears, I often wonder if these are fueling ED or if ED is fueling them (well, probably both). And, I know that these fears tend to keep me trapped. But, I also know that at least acknowledging them opens up the conversation with my therapist and even with myself. Here goes…going to share them in bits on and off (as they tend to randomly come to me):

1. That I will never really be recovered. When something difficult comes along, I will go back into it all to quickly. Or, think about it. This one is a big fear for me. I referenced stopping engaging in self-injurious behavior in the last post. I didn’t honestly realize when I stopped doing it (I mean, I had made many a conscious efforts not to), but, even to this day, I get nervous when I am around scissors and knives, especially when stressed. Almost like I have to convince myself not to.

2. That I will lose control of myself.

3. That I will lose control of my body.

4. That the person I am without ED is scary or bad. However, everyone around me knows me not as someone with ED and I know that I am so much more, I guess I am just scared that I may hurt people if I expressed my real emotions or whatever instead of taking it out on myself.

5. That I will like food too much. That I will never like food. That I will never try new foods. That food will always be “good” and “bad.” No “normal.”

6. That I will have to be honest with my family. That they won’t believe me or will over-react.

7. That I will go into other things trying to control the stress. That I will fall apart without it.

8. That I will never really love and accept myself. That I don’t know what these things are.

9. That I am already so far into things for so long, that I do not know what life is really like.

10. That I will not be able to help myself change. Or, change for good. Or, be able to convince myself of the correct things to do in stressful times.

11. That I will slip again and be so disappointed in myself that I will not get back up.

12. That I will have to explore parts of myself and be willing to let myself explore parts of myself and emotions.

At the same time….I have fears of what happens if nothing ever changes….not getting my PhD in the way I want to, losing relationships and important things of my life, never getting certified to teach yoga, not becoming who I know I can be, continuously lying to myself/others, not enjoying life, not enjoying new foods, having ED continuously interfere with every part of me life….and, it could go on.

 

Fears

My therapist had an “ah ha” moment and goes “this process of recovery is scary.” No kidding! So, she left me with the task of writing about what my fears are about the recovery process. It has become quiet the list, I’ll have to share it after sleeping What are your fears of recovering from anything? I remember when I stopped cutting–I didn’t even realize how long it had been. I think I thought that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, I did other things. Granted, I went more into ED, but my world did not fall apart. I had a reason to stop (swim/lifegaurding/swim lessons/me) and I didn’t even realize it. But, somethings have not changed….I don’t really buy knives or scissors still, part of me still has that fear that it can come back. Fears.

 

Exhausted

I’m so incredibly tired. It is only a little after midnight here; yes, it is late, but I didn’t even wake up until 1o am this morning (oops–meant to do some serious work this morning). Granted, I do have an additional 3 hours of statistics-like fun today followed by group and followed by statistics group for my actual statistics class (the class today is actually a research design class but the professor decided statistics would be more fun–no.).

I don’t know why I am so tired. I’m just exhausted. I am already dreading therapy in the morning as my therapist tends to really dig in when I am tired and/or not feeling well. And, when both combine, there are a lot of tears involved! My weakness–she has figured it out. My apt is early in the morning, so very tempted to wear yoga-like comfy clothes so I can come back and go to sleep afterwards. I really need to finish scholarship and conference applications, but just don’t have it in me right now.

I had group tonight. It was really strange. We didn’t really talk about anything at all. It was just a lot of little topics. I think part of me is a bit nervous about really talking after learning that the therapists talk to all of our individual therapists. Granted, I knew this, but I never knew the detail that this went into and before it was always told to use that if it was something new or something major, not just little details. Anyway, it was an interesting day. We talked about how we classified food and how we make excuses for eating with others or in general and how we have just missed out on life with all of this. So, very very very true, especially on the last part.

Until tomorrow…..my positives for today as I am feeling very negative: My bed is amazingly comfortable and I am just feeling so content in it. I had my research approved by a local school board so I can go into more schools (always a good thing). I felt proud of my work that I have done so far on my longer-scale research. I said “no” to two of my tutoring clients who asked if we could do extra sessions; I just need tomorrow to catch up and take a break!

 

Scales

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I just need to get rid of my stupid scale. Even when I have it hidden, it haunts me, all I think about. Even if it is not my scale–like the scale at the doctors office or at someone’s apartment. Tonight, I presented my research to use a new research site and it went awesome. I get home, I weight myself and my whole attitude changes. It really needs to go away or I really need to get a new perspective on the number that changes daily. Only a number. Only a number.

 

Totally random….

…tonight (in the snow), I learned that my windshield wipers squeak! Eek. How did I learn this? Well, I had noticed my hearing decreasing a bit so went in to my audiologist to have my hearing aids adjusted (much more than I thought was needed)! I left and was like, “oh my gosh those windshield wipers!” Haha, I have *no* idea how long that has been going on…details Just like how I didn’t realize that money makes a noise when you flick it (yes, I realize how nuts I sound–I always find new sounds….feel free to imagine me in my school’s student union building eating dinner before class flicking my dollar bill….). It was overwhelming in class because my brain has to learn how to block sounds it doesn’t need (ex. people talking around me) and focus on sounds it needs (ex. the professor) every time my “ears” are adjust….but I love noise and sounds! Have a good Tuesday!

 

I Love Yoga

No surprise on this blog title, right? I do love yoga. I love it a lot. I love the idea of yoga and the feeling of going from one pose to another. I very much enjoy anusara yoga. In most anusara yoga classes, it starts with this invocation (chant of dedication). Part of the invocation says something in English to the aspect of “I salute the great teacher, the Self within myself.” This part has always meant a lot to me; I think that it is supposed to reference a Spirit or God or something to that aspect. To me, it reminds me to learn from myself. Whenever I hear that part, I remind myself of what yoga has taught me and what change I see in myself from it.

It was really emotional, the first time I listened to the chant and had the meaning explained to me. When I was at my anusara immersion over the summer, I always had the huge flood of emotion during the beginning of the class and as we continue through the beginning (there is an intention every anusara class–like change, alignment, acceptance, attitude). It never ceases to amaze me how much I find myself in yoga classes, especially the ones where I truly feel like I fit in and where the classes are not focused on fitness of body (haha, and, instead, fitness of mind!). I really wish I could keep that feeling all the time.

Tonight, in yoga class, I felt free. People make fun of me for doing yoga in the one spot in the room that you cannot see yourself in the mirror. But, the truth is, that if I see myself doing the poses in the mirror, I get very distracted and focused on the outside, not the inside. And, at the location I do yoga at on Sunday nights, I have a really hard time just staying focused. This class is much more focused on burning calories rather than anything else.

I try to keep those thoughts out of my head in class. When I start to think about burning calories, my mind wanders to all sorts of crazy–from how I cannot (read: ED says “cannot”) wear tight clothes in yoga to comparing myself to how I look from afar in the mirrors. I very much wish I could keep the ideas I learned at my anusara immersion with me all the time. But, tonight, during a small part of class when you flow between the poses (you do vinyasa–fun push up like things), it felt so good to just let my body move.

My parents and others have asked if I am going back to the immersion again this summer. I am not sure that is a good idea. Part of me wants to go back in a heart beat. But, the other part of me remembers the challenges to eating there and being there and how I really don’t wear the clothes I should (I wear fitted tops, but usually a t-shirt over them) and how I’m not comfortable in my body. It is the same idea with a yoga teacher training. I very much want to do it. But, I think I need to be a bit farther a long in recovery. I do not want to go back to my immersion if I am still struggling with the idea of food there. I almost want it to be reward to myself for helping myself. And, I don’t want to go back to experience the same dread of the food there–I want to go there and enjoy it.

When I think back to my start at yoga, it was a local Y in like a meeting room….that day made all the difference….I honestly started yoga because I heard that it was good for self-esteem and for backs (I had injured my back in a car accident). Got so much more. Yoga has never been about weight loss for me, there have been times when ED has creeped into the journey, but yoga is just me.

 

Lazy Saturday

So, as the title of this suggests, I have been one lazy bum today! I woke up just not feeling well at all, so I canceled a tutoring session with one of the kids I tutor. But, I was not sure I could do it! It actually worked out because he had completely forgotten about it. My day was spent sleeping and watching TV. And, a little statistics homework built in. I won’t lie, I bribed myself with Diet Coke. I was like, “If you stay focused for 30 more minutes, you get a Diet Coke!” I’m alright with bribing myself! I really rarely drink it now (I associate Diet Coke highly with ED behaviors)….and, it burns when I drink it (haha, details…stomach issues).

It has been a rather strange day. I have found myself snacking all day. This isn’t really “normal” for me. I don’t really get it. And, I don’t really feel hungry or really anything (i.e., emotions) at all. I think part of it is that I needed to get rid of some special chocolates I had. I was thinking about them today and they just needed to be gone. I guess part of me thinks that, if I eat them now (granted, I rationally know that it is really only 1 or 2 servings of chocolate) no one will know they are there and I cannot eat them later.

My big goal right now enjoy food. It doesn’t have to be all food, but just enjoy something, even if it is something small or something I already actually like to eat. Sit and enjoy. And, to understand that “junk” food does not equal bad food or food I have to hide or food that I am not allowed to eat.

So, I finally listened to my nutritionist and talked to a doctor about birth control. Apparently, it is important to be “regular” for bone health and all that jazz. And, after recent foot issues and such, it really does worry me about my bone health. So, tomorrow I start birth control. I’m oddly really nervous about it. I’m not letting myself Google the side effects to convince myself of reasons not to take it (aka weight gain). I know that it will help me.

On other news…it is my “one year” anniversary of my loads of fun concussion. Haha, the nurse at the hospital apparently still remembers me as I told them the symptoms of a head injury/traumatic brain injury and then proceeded to show them how I did not meet those (I blame that on my PhD program….). It is crazy, I still get headaches in the back of my head at random times, guess that can happen! My mom’s goal for me: No more head injuries! I second that goal!

Back to attempting to pull my life together today….wow this became a random post!

 

Me time

So, instead of helping people tonight with their school stuff or writing grants for my advisor, I’m having some me time. I am on my couch with a million and one pillows, blankets, a movie (Couples Retreat–entertaining, I don’t like movies that require paying a lot of attention…) and some cheddar goldfish! It is excellent. And, much needed (granted, I have not done a whole lot this past week).

It has been an interesting week. I had a strong moment of honesty with my therapist and was overly honest with her that I had been overly relieved when I had to move my therapy appointment. I didn’t want to have to tell her about how much I was having troubles. It wasn’t so much telling her. It was more of having to say everything out loud and being accountable to myself. Which, is good I told her as apparently the group facilitators keep notes during the group sessions to share with the members’ therapists (news to me!) so she was waiting for me to tell her.

In more fun news, I had a little Valentines day party with my “little” (aka an amazing kid) in a mentor program I am in. I learned that she had never really had her own stuff animal (CRAZY) so she is now the proud owner of a super cute and soft animal, perfect for a first grader. She was so excited and jumped up and down. It was amazing watching her sheer joy

Off to enjoy my me time, just checking in! Can’t wait to read about all of you awesome individuals tomorrow!

 

Another week, another step

First, I have a new guilty pleasure….I really like to just have noise on when I am studying (I don’t really like the quiet). So, I turned on ABC.com to watch Grey’s from a previous day and wanted to watch something else so I started watching the Bachelor. I have never watched a show like this before but I am literally addicted to it and cannot wait until the next week. It is rather tragic. Love it, guilty pleasure. Could be worse I just like watching it (and the ridiculousness of it–who goes to an amusement park in 3 to 4 inch heels?)! Haha, I do worry about all the germs with that many people kissing each other….but, that is just my special-ness….

Back to the “real” world….it has been a hard week. I mean, its been a hard last few weeks. I think that the harder that I fight ED and be totally open in group and therapy, the more it fights back. It hasn’t been a perfect week and I’m not proud of the fact that I walked in the snow to the gym (its really close to my apt and walking trails there) b/c, of course, it was too slick out to drive. There have been many of things not proud of this week.

I finally heard back from my nutritionist. I emailed her to see if she had any suggestions of meeting her fat gram per day suggestion. It was just a huge jump and the only times I have gotten remotely close have been when I have had a “slip” and had cookies or candy (okay, I know those are not bad, but they were eaten without awareness if that make sense–not because I wanted to). I am just afraid. And, as my weight is in constant change, I guess a big ED part of me tells me that is too much and I will continue to lose more control over me and my choices. And, to be totally honest, I think some of the recent decisions have largely been due to the fear of this number. And, all I have been successful at is getting farther away from it. My nutritionist just emailed me back with “yeah, I guess that was too ambitious a jump.” Not real helpful. But, with what I do eat, I do feel good (75% of the time) with my choices. Just need some serious variety! And, color!

Wow, did not plan to type that much! I’m exhausted today! I have group tomorrow and I am not really wanting to go. But, I know that the times when I don’t want to be there, are the times I need to be there.

I’m really hoping to get in some good yoga sessions this week….much needed! I’ve been doing a project to have a hand/forearm stand a day (inversions). Love them. So invigorating. Sorry to my downstairs neighbors when I didn’t “land with ease” (aka made a big thump) this morning….

….back to attempting to learn multiple linear regression….woo hoo (attempting being the key word there….)