I wish I could have blogged earlier to really capture the feeling…it was an AMAZING day today. I went to a 6 hour yogathon! No, it wasn’t awesome for the 6 hours of exercise. It was awesome for the second class. The first class, I went in thinking–this is awesome, just having healthy snacks today and working out for half the day. The day did not end that way.

The second class began and it was more of a reflecting class. It began with the idea of setting two goals or intentions for the new year. Here are mine:

1. To stop cycling between eating disordered behaviors. To really embrace recovery for MYSELF. At the same time, to understand and love myself. Within this is truly being honest with myself and with my therapist/group that I do, indeed, have a problem.

2. To make steps toward teaching next year–this includes standing up for myself, really dedicating myself to therapy, dedicating myself to me, gaining experiences, acknowledging that I am a good and that being a good teacher doesn’t mean being a perfect teacher or person. It means knowing that I am a strong role model for this student.

The class was a series of paranas and asanas (breathing “exercises” and poses). I have never liked classes that are slow–but this was totally different. Between each pose, we had breathing exercises following by connecting our main intentions to our thoughts, actions, beliefs, and words. Within each of those were strong poses in yoga where it didn’t matter how far you went into the poses or if you needed to change the pose for your own body.

I am usually never at a loss for words. Never. I probably talk to much. I can’t tell you how this class made me feel. Honestly, I think it just made me feel. I felt things. It was honestly scary but so calming. For a few hours there, I was able to let out sadness, anger, hurt, and anxiety thought poses and just listening to my body. I was completely silent during the class and afterwards–I’ve never been able to meditate and stay in savasana (end of class where you lay down and just relax) that long. It was just an amazing feeling. I didn’t know how to react to it at first or to really be okay with those emotions. I didnt’ scream, I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything other than yoga and just listening and thinking. I just let myself be. I didn’t even worry about what what I was wearing. I cannot tell you how long its been since I felt real emotions.  It was amazing.

I have plans to join the yoga for recovery class if I can–its about an hour from my apartment, but it would be worth a few times a month. I need this. I think ts vital to my recovery. I think that my recovery needs to be intertwined with yoga as that is such a key part of my life. I still feel good. I went back into ED thoughts later in the day, but they were a little bit lighter and I was able to push them away for later. I think this yoga class is needed for me to push them away all the way.