Theme of the week

I need to catch up on my life and on everything! My theme of the last week(s) has been exhaustion! I can feel it emotionally, physically, and mentally. I really just want to pour my heart out and write. But, I do not have time! Tomorrow is time for me.

 

Thanks :)

So, my last post was written in exhausted frustration….I really appreciate the comments. Makes me feel less crazy–and that my emotions/responses to things are valid and real and not “silly” or “stupid.”

I’ve asked before if I could be weighed backwards or a blind weight (they came move the output–electronic scales–so that it is behind you–its what the dr does when I see him specifically for ED stuff), or even not at all. The drs office where I go is through my school, so I don’t always get control over who I see (or, when I do–I have to ask for a specific doctor) or what not. Their policy is to always weight b/c apparently that is fun. The only way that you cannot be weighed is if it is in your chart not to weight you (my therapist has tried to put that in, but not effective yet). There are a few nurses who are really good about it–like, if they noticed any ED diagnosis on your chart, they do not weigh you if you are not there for that.

So, yes, why the heck I have to be weighed for my FOOT–I have no idea. I was even there last week. What made me more mad was that it was snowing when I was there so had on my snow boots, heavy jeans, a thermal shirt, and a sweatshirt. I’m sure that between that and my water bottle they probably assumed as I was “padding” my weight (not so–I hate being cold and the appt opened up an hour before I go there) especially since the doctor asked if I was (and didn’t believe me that I had reduced working out). She did give me a referral to a sports med specialist, so thats good.

I really cannot wait to graduate and get my PhD and have a primary care doctor….one that knows me. That would be really nice. Will have to write for real later on–trying to finish reading Twilight and exhausted (it is for a class on adolescent development….)

 

Fraud

I feel like a fraud in many of my day to day interactions, including much of that that is my work. I go in to schools and such looking for way to help students and teachers. I present myself as confident and successful–but I don’t feel either of those.

Last night was rather difficult for me. I had to deal with a situation at the sorority chapter that I advise. The girl kept apologizing for her emotions–but I encouraged her to have them. I hide from these emotions. I had to act as a professional, and I did until after midnight when I was finally able to leave. But the things I said and how much I wanted to help her, it just made me feel like a fraud. Why can’t I help myself? Why can’t I let others tell me things like she told me? Why can’t I have a moment of feeling better?

I also went to the dr yesterday to have my foot looked at. I hate seeing my weight, especially with clothes on. My weight just feels too high and I don’t understand it. I wear a smaller size or the same size that I wore when I was 10 pounds lighter. I think my head is playing games with me. I just hate seeing my weight. I hate it being written down. I hate other people knowing it. I *really* hate that it has so much on me.

I really wanted to get diet pills or something yesterday, but I did not. I was like STOP bad. I didn’t get home until 1 am. So exhausted and so much work to do. But, it does make me feel good with I help others. I just need to also help myself.

 

Climbing back up the slippery slope

Hello Friends~

I think my last few crazy days have taken a toll on me. I have felt emotionally numb most of the time, but the littlest thing has set me off–not like yelling, but just crying or feeling horrid. It has been strange. Ever since having to leave yoga last week in tears and pain, life has been a mess. I feel like I literally went back 12 steps this past week, then fell down a hole, forgot the ladder to get back up, and then it started raining. Yes, the Friday-Monday section of the week was tragic. But, the week has improved. I don’t know why it is taking me so very long to writ this. I am lacking some serious focus lately. I think that I just have so many emotions bottled up inside that I just don’t know what to do with them.

At group on Wednesday night, I freaking cried again. I don’t know what is going on. I am just so overwhelmed by school and by just trying to take care of me while taking care of work (b/c that stress leads to less taking care of me), that its exhausting! It is technically Friday and I am so excited. It may only be 14 minutes into it, but its all good! Anyway, back to group. They asked me how my week was going and I feel apart again when talking about yoga–or my lack there of. I started crying. My lack of yoga makes me cry. I am hoping to go to a gentle yoga class on Monday, that way it will be slow and more restful if I have more pain. I just need to feel again. I feel in yoga, even if it is hard emotions. And, when in yoga class–I feel how amazing the human body is. How powerful…that your arms can support your entire body and your feet can touch your head! How amazing! And, as I flow through the poses, I feel my body move. I feel peaceful. I’ve tried meditation, but just not the same….

I made a promise to my therapist that I wouldn’t workout until I saw the dr again about my foot. I made it 3 days! Which, I think is great on some level! I just felt so gross and full that I had to go workout. And, not even that, just so much anxiety, that I needed to get it “out.” But, I don’t really think I overdid it. I mean, my foot hurt, but no more than normal.

Yes…drs appt tomorrow. Time to be honest about my foot. I’ve already been stupid tonight and am so mad. I got it in my head to workout out and then weigh myself. And, then I didn’t like the number so thought a laxative would be a good idea. That is never a good idea. What the heck is wrong with me. I’m surprised at how much I am having troubles lately. I’ve actually avoided certain stores lately. I don’t trust myself not to get diet pills. But, I am proud of myself that I have not gotten them–I mean, there is nothing to stop me. I am proud of myself. I just need to remember that a slip does not mean a failure at everything.

I think I’m starting to get out of my “hole”–it is slippery getting back out, but I know that these things happen. I know that I will not give up. I won’t give up b/c I really do love what I am doing with my life and I love who I know I am becoming. I can’t give up. I’m thinking and learning and finding myself. Mainly, because I am too darn stubborn to give up and let ED win.

 

sleep is good

hello….

thank you for all the support and reading my blog. the support really means a lot to me! sorry for a lack of recent delays, i’ve been on campus or at field sites researching/learning/leading things/teaching from 7 am to 10 pm everyday the last few weeks! exhausted! just got home and its after midnight! planning to update and catch up tomorrow! why i decided research 1 university? got me! wait….love research!

good night!

 

The difference a bit of rest makes

So, yesterday and the last few days has been rather difficult.

I let myself sleep in (yeah!) and feel okay. Not great, but okay. It is a new day. I am the one who decided what happens today–not that stupid “ED” in my head.

I’ve been thinking a lot this morning….

….how, when I do things to make myself feel “better.” I don’t. I may feel better in the moment or have that instant “high” from whatever, but ultimately, I don’t. For example, over exercise feels really, really good and I think that everything will be okay, but later (and sometimes in that moment), I hurt and I am in pain or dizzy from the amount or whatnot. And, when one restricts, maybe it feels good–but you feel bad. Even if you tell yourself that you don’t–headache, lack of concentration, stomach pain, or not even knowing that you are hungry and that your body needs the food. So, what stops all of these things?

 

Always remembering the positive

My happy thought for the day I’ve worked hard the last few days–okay, really struggled the last few days–to put everything in perspective. Well, keep everything in perspective that is. I don’t even know why things have been so hard the last few weeks. No idea. I feel like I am just spinning out of control. I think part of it may be that I have literally spent 10 to 12 hours in my office the last week (no time for blogging, no time for myself–and, my writing here is often really how I process the day, time to sit back and think in a safe place). I sat in my therapist’s office a few days ago and just cried the whole session–literally from the moment making small talk down the hallway to scheduling the next appointment. Then, in meeting with my adivsor two days later, the same thing occurred again. Uncontrollable crying. No wonder everyone thinks I’m nuts. I feel nuts. I don’t know what to do with all these emotions; and, I really wonder where the heck they have all come from! I know emotions are good….reminding myself of this. Emotions = good even if I don’t like them!

So, I tried to do yoga yesterday. For the first time in almost 3 months. It did not go well. I was there for about 20 minutes and my foot was throbbing. I was like, “Okay, self, your foot is still healing; it has done a good job healing so far.” I tried the class for a few minutes. As much as it hurt, my body just got back into the flow of doing it. But, it got to the point that I was in tears in the poses and just left. I hated this. I went and worked out (what the heck?) but made myself stop after 30 minutes. I was so angry. I know that my actions broke my foot. This caused more than embarrassment. My actions have caused me not to do something I love for the last 3 months. Something that makes me centered and feel good. Something I love, that is for me. I did stop; I hate that I left the class, but I also know that it is good that I stopped, even if it was out of frustration and in tears.

My parents are coming to visit in the early afternoon. I took a laxative after not being able to purge. Sorry, that is a lot of information. Hopefully everything is okay when they come. I really really regret it. It has been 5 months since taking them for the purpose of purging. But, I’m remembering the positive again. It was just one. I feel guilty, before, I would feel oddly okay about it–or rationalizing why I was taking it.

So…goal for tomorrow: Take time for myself. Be smart, not stupid.

 

Quick post…..

I am exhausted (nothing new there!). There are so may things going through my head that I will have to post about in the morning. But, I took time for myself tonight. Not feeling guilty. Met with a girl from group and we painted our pumpkins (side note: it is REALLY fun to paint pumpkins with acrylic paint! Highly recommend it!) Good night. A crazy day is finally ending and tomorrow is a new day.

 

What a last few days!

Thank you for all your supportive comments. They really mean so much, to know that someone cares and that I’m not alone in this crazy world! I don’t know what has gotten into me lately. I think that I have just faced many different emotions lately. My exhaustion and lack of focus (that I think is more due to the Lexapro than anything else) has let to more anxiety this week over the things I am behind on and the things that need to be done and way way way not ready to start the things that I should be doing. Just so incredibly tired.

I had therapy on Monday and it was a rather tragic session. I have learned that I should not attend when I am tired. When tired, it leads to some serious word vomit! Ha! My therapist came to get me from her waiting room and I burst out into tears from exhaustion and her asking me the generic “how are you today” question while walking back to her office (as a side note: doubt she will ask that again to me!). The whole hour was that way….just so overwhelmed from life. Things have started to go back to a normal pace…so that is okay. I worked like 14/15 hours today and about 10 hours on Monday. Working tomorrow (Wednesday) on and off between meetings. Even with all the  work, I didn’t feel too stressed. I think I got rid of all the emotions on Monday morning. We shall see.

It was an odd end to the appt. My therapist wants me to call the psychiatrist to see about putting me on something to combat the side effects of Lexapro.  We thought about putting me back on a stimulant that I used for ADHD. But, then my therapist said something about getting back up to a healthy weight and weight restoration, which really confuses me. I am at a normal weight and the doctor told me I was. And, it was at the end of the appt. I think she could tell what I was thinking b/c she goes, “no, I’m not going crazy, you heard me right.” But, I see her view point to that I know that stimulant drugs can cause major issues with active ED issues going on–don’t want those!

Tomorrow is group therapy day. Should be interesting after last week! Tomorrow, catching up on the readings of all the amazing people in my online life

Oh…Jenni Schaefer’s new song of “It’s Okay to Be Happy!” It is awesome–it was one of those things that made me thing, smile, have happy tears, and reflect on what I want:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hVESIw0WEQ

 

Guilt

I don’t have a lot of time to post. I’m so behind on life. Lexapro combined with ED issues has exhausted me. I took some time for myself today and feel so guilty. I should have spent it working on papers or reading journal articles. I’ve debated canceling therapy tomorrow just so I have another how to work until my deadline at 12 noon. But, I don’t want to do that and she is booked for the rest of the week after that. Why do I feel guilty for doing something for myself? And, at the same time, why are the ED thoughts the ones that are winning right now? As I sit and write the paper, I am thinking about any number of things than my papers: my weight from tonight, how I didn’t work out today, how I could still go workout today, and how I am probably not smart enough anyway to have my paper accepted.