Random Happy Thought :)

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. ~Helen Keller

Off to be daring (for real, this time)

Happy Holidays!

 

Arrived!

Hello–

I’m with my family (haha at my aunts office using the Internet–everyone else is napping at various places!). It has been interesting so far. Some food issues–mostly with people noticing that I eat very specific foods. And, a comment by my grandmother that my mom told her I was “getting better.” Would like to know what that meant. Especially because it was followed by a question asking what I was eating these days and how much. Who knows. I love them all. But, I think my fear is that I know that everyone else enjoys it so much and I am just very nervous what might happen if I enjoy it and cannot stop.

I better run, but I wanted to update.

Thanks for the safe travels!

 

Happy Holidays

Hello friends-

I wanted to let you know that I may or may not be around for the next week. I am getting ready to leave to visit my family in another state. They have dial up internet and only one computer–so probably will not be on here much. Haha, there is NOTHING there. You have to drive 20 miles into “town” to get cell phone service

I have to download articles for a project eventually, so probably going into my aunt’s office at some point in time to get on their wireless. But, wanted to let you all know that I will be thinking about you!

I am nervous and excited to go. My family there has not seen me in almost two years (my parents and brother went last summer–I couldn’t join them b/c of class). I always get really nervous/anxious eating while traveling and with my extended family. I don’t remember the last time I was comfortable. In all the previous years, I was very good at hiding the “crazy”–however, I’m a bit worried that my emotions may come out and what not. I just don’t want to have to talk about anything. My family has always thought I was crazy when it comes to food A native Texan who doesn’t like pie and fried foods? It is like I have committed a sin! I love them dearly. Even though I’m nervous, I’m really excited to see my family. It feels so long since I saw them last time and they are so far away from my parents, brother and I that we really don’t interact much–other than a few phone calls here and there. Everyone lives within a few miles of each other there. So, I’m looking forward to reconnecting.

I’m really proud of myself. This will be one of the first trips that I have not taken diet pills with me. Whew. I have to run a few errands in the AM but will NOT engage in those things. It is times like these–when fighting with myself–that I see how prevalent ED is in my life. But you know what, I’m pretty prevalent in my own life and am excited for my little vacation and bonding!

I look forward to catching up with you all

Happy Holidays!

 

Settling down

Life has finally settled down a bit since my little run in on campus. Insurance approved the repairs, got the rental car, got all the paperwork, got everything taken care of! When things are crazy, it makes me feel much better about everything when I am doing something to actually correct it–not have control of it, but not just sit around and expect others to do it for me. So, I feel better leaving in a few days to visit family.

I’ve been thinking this morning….I’m jealous of people with pretty food. I want to eat pretty food. That is my goal. I have been working on it, but I get caught back in my rut of “safe” bland food. Goal for the week–have pretty food. “Pretty food” does not have to be junk food but like granola or strawberries in yogurt instead of just bland colored yogurt or adding colorful vegetables to a pasta.

I may sound like I am nuts. And, okay with that

But, I want pretty food and am jealous of people who have pretty food.

 

Coming down from the crazy

Hello friends-

It has been a few days since I last typed. I think that I have spent more time on hold than I have actually speaking to people. But, I think everything is set with my car. My insurance was supposed to go look at it today for the final estimate (but, of course, did not call me)–so following up in the morning and extending my rental car a few more days (was waiting to see how long I needed it–I’m going to visit family in another state next week and won’t need a car really after Sunday). I’m still most grateful everything is going totally fine, rather sore, but it is really okay. And, could have been tragic. I’m very glad. Can fix cars or get new ones–can’t get new people!

Other than the car stuff going on, I was honestly a little upset that my therapy session was canceled just b/c it was just one of those “blah” days where I just kind of wanted to vent. I am an appt tentatively scheduled for tomorrow. My big question right now (if anyone has any insights):

How do you keep yourself from being perfect (which fuels ED and OCD) when you are expected to always be that way?

Can’t wait to catch up with all of you after finishing reading all my articles!

Entertain email from a faculty member: Can you tell me what is on page 66 of that one colorful book in the shape of an index card?
I was like…umm….little more information Oh, I love grad school….

Edited: A good friend got be a necklace with a circle charm on it that says “Love life, be Brave.” It goes with this quote:
Love life
Be brave
It’s not who you are that holds you back, its who you think you’re not.

 

Grateful

Hello blog world friends–

First, like I did with my mom–I am completely fine, rather sore, but fine! I was driving on my campus and a girl wasn’t paying attention and tried to turn left from the right most lane on a road that has two lanes (going the same way)….if that makes sense. So, she turned across traffic. Into me. I swerved and hit the curb and THANKFULLY there were no people on the sidewalk. I’ve had horrid thoughts about what could have happened. So, my little amazing and safe car is being fixed, many 100 dollars in repairs–but what is insurance for. Oh, and the girl drove off, no info. So, filing a police report tomorrow to use my insurance and then off to the insurance company. I have comprehensive insurance–so it covers uninsured drivers and those that run off. It was just a very intense last day or so. I’m just extremely grateful that I was able to swerve and that I was not hit as hard as it cold have been and that the speed limit where I was was only 25 mph. So, grateful for being okay. Very.

After all this happened, I was more frustrated that it felt like I was a boat without oars in the middle of the ocean. I’ve been oddly calm through all of this–but I credit that to knowing that it will be okay, that I am okay, and that God has kept me safe, and that to just have faith. And, then I had to cancel therapy b/c I was on the phone with everyone under the sun and I really wanted to talk about some things. But, you know, I’ve been really impressed with myself on how I have kept not going crazy the last few days. I mean, I have had troubles eating and such but I have recognized it. Today, after all the stress, a friend invited me over and I helped her with her various crafts for Christmas–that was so relaxing!

So, back to what I referenced in my last post. My group finished for the semester (picking back up after the break) and we talked about how we had grown. I really mentioned that I was glad that I was able to do it and that I had chosen to because I really talked in this group and it felt much more comfortable than before. I think part of that was that the therapists allowed us to explore the things going on in our life impacting our stress levels and other things (aka impacting ED) and not just focus on behaviors. When we left, one of the therapists looks like the sweetest person you will ever meet and she always talks about how we are each others’ network and that she is the little bulldog with us that is a little dog, but strong and stubborn. She even makes the little noises when she demonstrates! She gave us all a little bulldog charm to take with us to remember our network and remember our strength. As soon as I find my camera cord, I will be posting a picture of it

 

Thought for the Night

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind….Dr. Seuss

Be back tomorrow….exhausted. My crazy financial situation with my school is starting to resolve–hopefully in a positive way. Been one crazy last two days. But, I had my last group session before the holidays last night and I cannot wait to share all of that with you all.

Good night

 

Stress

Stress is evil. No kidding, right? It is making me exhausted. I talked before about the whole issue with my university making an error and me owing them money (which, makes absolutely no sense as I have a full fellowship, I don’t pay anything to start with–apparently, I’ve done too well….but that is neither here nor there)….I guess the situation has been “fixed” but I will apparently not get paid this month and will still owe over $1600 next semester.

To reiterate. I have a fellowship that covers all my fees/tuition/salary. I’m beyond exhausted with this whole situation–I’ve barely slept and the stress here has just come across to all other parts of my life from food to just getting assignments/papers done. I wish I could re-wind to August and un-accept this. It has just been one thing after another. I’m grateful that it is fixed and that I will still be getting paid next semester, just one of those thing! I’m exhausted and I’m trying to handle everything else at the same time–from my parents’/brother’s issues to other graduate students.

Anyway, speaking of impacting other parts of my life. Tonight, I did rather poorly on an assignment. It was actually evaluated by all the faculty (it was a research poster) and the faculty member who teaches the class average the scores to get our total scores. My advisor rated me significantly lower than everyone else as she was apparently disappointed in me. Lovely. And, do you know what goes through my head:

ED: You don’t deserve to eat. You need to go workout. You shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy your dinner. You have to eat something that you don’t like and that does not have much fat or calories. You are a disappointment. You’ve know that for awhile and here is proof–you did worse than everyone in your class, even with your experience. See, I told you so–you can’t do anything right.

Me: You are right. I am frustrated and stressed and I don’t know what to do. I want to go workout. The weather is bad and I’m beyond exhausted. I don’t want to eat dinner, but I’ll eat those “safe” foods b/c that is kind of okay. But, I have to eat it a certain way to make it “okay.” I am exhausted with you.

Group is tomorrow (well, in about 15 hours)–its the last one until January. I was not really “there” last week–hope things change. I know how tragic this post is, I’m just so exhausted and keeping myself distracted and hoping that I will get tired as I continue to write. Positive tomorrow!

Okay…edited. Ending with positives: Financial aid next semester, parents willing to pay my rent (and who can take it from their savings) if I really do not make any money this month, playing my flute, yoga class Friday, driving home safely in the ice, watching Scrubs on my computer, being able to re-do my assignment, office mates to vent to, group and psychiatrist follow-up tomorrow, health and dental insurance continuing the normal pay (i.e., not having to pay $1000 up front, taken out of my salary each month now) and just insurance!, my blog to type and to read others’ who make me feel less alone

 

Amazing song….

 

Sounds

This is going to be a random post…thoughts about things.

Today, my hearing aids kept running out of batteries, I think that I bought a “bad” box of batteries. Anyway, it was so surreal to be really hearing at one minute and then hear kind of a muting sound (almost like when your ears want to pop in an airplane or something) and then loose so many sounds around you. It really scares me that one day I will not be able to put a new battery in my “ears” and be able to turn sounds back “on.” That, one day, everything will just be turned up really loud and the rest of the sounds will be blended together. It terrifies me that I will loose all of my hearing. Beyond everything. I love sounds–I love how my flute sounds, how music sounds, how leaves sound when you walk on them on the sidewalk, how the birds sound outside in the morning….and so many other things that I didn’t even realize they were there (or how clear they were) before I got my first set of “electronic ears.”  I can hear without them, volumes are just loud (haha, and I type SO loud without them in!) and sounds are not clear. But, I love my ears. I love how they help me and how they help me feel part of this world. Sometimes, I’m really self-conscious about the fact that I have hearing aids and glasses, but, hey, I don’t mind it! And, if someone does, that is there problem.

My goal: Embrace change and recovery just like I do with my hearing aids. I may see/hear the world around me now, but so much of it is blurred and muted by ED. I wish I could just turn something on and be “okay,” but I know that I have “recovery aids” that will help me get there…..